Marriage problems...your opinion...support/advice...rea鈥?out to anyone ?

Im going to try and make this as short and sweet as possible. We got married, he shipped off the Iraq for 16 months, he came back, 3 months later, despite my in-support, his 17 yr old brother came to live with us. His brother was getting Soc sec. money, 800 a month. we were charging him 200 a month and 1/3 of the elect and water bill. He had no license, so he was walking to work across the st. at wendy's. He quit that bc of something the manager said to him about 3 months into the job. He enrolled in GED classes, I drove him back and forth everyday. The minute I couldn't drive him (bc i had surgery, and recovering for 2 weeks) he just flat out didn't go to class. He didn't even take responsibility for finding other options to get to class (2 miles max down the road). So, in oct SS ran out, bc he turned 18. He passed his GED test by the hair of his teeth. As soon as SS ran out he had no money, no job...no savings. Where did 800 a month go when all he had was living expenses that was 250 max a month? I see our mistake here, we should have taken all of the 800 a month in the first place, as insurance just in case something like the situation we are in now was to happen. I dont have kids of my own, I dont know how to be a mom or a role model to someone who needs direction like he does. I also dont have the money for it. I have tried everything in my emotional power to help this kid. My husband and I have fought countless amounts of times, many leading to me leaving my own home for hours. We have dealt with him lying, hiding, doing nasty things, being weird around the home and sleeping until 700 at night. My husband is always getting mad and frustrated with the same things I am, but he is so quick to feel bad about giving ultimatums because he claims ';I dont know the importance of family';. Well actually, I do! But, we are at the point where FINANCIALLY we are struggling so hard. We just moved to a new state due to military and I have been looking for employment since we got here, with no luck so far (its been 2 months). I had to ask my parents to send money last week because I had 22 dollars in the account. How can I keep doing this? I cant...we cant....Im done fighting about it, im done worrying about others when I HAVE to worry about myself. My brother in law has been trying to get in the mil. he failed the first time on the test, and came home last thursday happy that he got a 52, so he passed. Well, his recruiter called him today and said that his actual score was a 48, so he didnt pass! I told him (as I have been telling him...bc 3 months ago we told hiim that he has 3 months to figure things out) that something has to happen bc we cannot do this anymore, that we will all be homeless if something doesn't change. He is trying to get a ticket right now to get back down to FL with his mother. I told my husband about everything today (he is in VA training) and his response was that he is disappointed in both him and ME. !! This is EXACTLY why I did not want his brother to move in, in the first place! I knew it was not going to end up good, and I knew that we were going to fight about it, and I KNEW that it was going to end up being MY fault. I told my husband that if it was best that I move back home in MA, work (bc I had a great job there and would make money to support myself) and leave him here with his brother, figure things out on his end and get his brother straightened out with out me here. I just figure that if I stay, I am going to be miserable still, we are going to fight, we are going to go no where and the responsibility of his brother is going to be on me. There is no way I can just say, ignore me, im not here! Dont ask me to bring you anywhere, dont talk to me...not here! Ya know? If I leave, ill go stay with my family and continue working, leave my husband here to deal with what I feel i have been dealing with. I feel as though when he says ';You dont know the meaning of family';....I am not part of the ';family'; part, like I dont mean a thing to him, that his blood comes before his marriage. After all, thats the way it has been.Marriage problems...your opinion...support/advice...rea鈥?out to anyone ?
I'm really sorry for you situation. It's sounds like really troubling times.





I would suggest you sit down with your husband and talk about your plans for the future. Do you want to have you own kids? Do you want to both be working? Do you plan on staying in the same house for a while? Once you've addressed things like this then I would suggest you talk about money. I know it's tight right now but you need to be planning ahead. Make a financial plan, such as setting budgets for groceries, gas, clothing, etc. When he sees how tight money is hopefully he will realize that you honestly don't have the money to support an additional grown man.





You and your husband are a team. I don't think it's right for you to move away because you don't want to be a part of this. You and your husband made promise to work together and love eachother. I know you love your husband, so try to see things from his point of view. He doesn't want his brother to be in a harmful situation. He is trying hard to keep his family together, which is something that should be honored because many men just give up.





So what do you do with his brother? I would suggest that after talking with your husband you all three talk. Explain to him that he is now an adult. You will continue to charge him for the bills and rent. You expect him to do __ chores around the house or cook __ meals per week. He should find an independent job that doesn't rely on the help/transportation of you or your husband. He is expected to treat you and your husband kindly, since you are doing a favor for him. If he wants to live with you he is going to be treated like a part of the family, and families love unconditionally and care for eachother. If he choses to break these conditions there should be punishments. If at the end he decides he doesn't want to live with you and your husband then he can a. find his own housing b. move in with a friend c. go back to florida. It might be hard but this is really the best you can do in this situation.





As I said, don't run away from the problem because that will just crack the foundation of your marriage. If you and your husband work through this you will be that much stronger and that much more prepared for a family of your own. I hope you can figure something out, keep us updated! I'll be praying for you and hope that you and your husband can come to an agreement with his brother and that you find a job.Marriage problems...your opinion...support/advice...rea鈥?out to anyone ?
I'm sorry to hear your additional comments. I hope he'll agree to going to the marriage counseling for your sake, and that you begin to see eye-to-eye. It sounds like your husband is having a hard time deciding between facing reality about his brother and trying to create the ';perfect world';...

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...Show them both as much love as possible and let your husband know that you are trying your best to support his decision of letting his brother live with you. It sounds like you're doing your part to the best of your abilities. Again, I'm sorry and I hope things take a turn for the better!

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MAN!!! YOU WROTE A BOOK!!!


I'm not sure what your question is!


Doesent the military have counseling?


Maybe start there. If he won't go, you go!


Or seek free counseling in the town you live in!


Good luck!!
I'm in the military and i have a brother too. One thing he shouldnt do, bring someone else (no matter if he/she is family) home. A message for him, ';Hey man, if you decided to marry and leave your home, you need to understand that the rest of the family has to go on. Your brother needs to learn how to be responsible on its own. I know is our own blood but if he doesn't learn with his own mistakes, then its his own fault. Believe me, I learned from this, and you should do the same.';