Advice on My Husband Problems?? *LONG!*?

I am 39 weeks pregnant (due March 29th and hopefully not a day later). To be honest, I never wanted kids. My husband did though. He has two girls from a previous marriage who he doesn't get to see much because of where they live, and so he talked me into having a baby. Bad idea, I know, but there's no going back now. And truthfully, I'm excited for the baby to come too now. We're having a boy.





But, I think part of the reason he wanted me to have a baby was to, in a way, tame me. That probably sounds bad. But, I'm 22 and I am young. Before being pregnant I raced cars, drank heavily on the weekends and my only responsibility was my two tiny dogs who aren't tough to take care of. He is 30, definitely more ';grown up';. And we love each other, and compliment each other well, but we are just having issues.





I think our issues stem from him thinking/assuming I would tame and the fact that I haven't tamed...yet.





Pregnancy hasn't made me calm, hasn't made me all motherly and ';normal';. It hasn't affected me that much really. Granted, I no longer drink heavily, or race my car (well one time I did while pregnant and it felt SO good) but just once. But I'm just not...docile.





He hates that I don't want to breastfeed. I have no desire to do so, it makes me sick and I just don't want to. But he really takes offense to this. And its not my goal to make him mad, but I'm the one that's going to have to go through that, not him and I'm not ok with it. So I told him I would try it, and I will, but I don't plan on sticking to it past the first day. And I thought about lying and just formula feeding when he's not around, but he's my husband, I shouldn't have to lie and go behind his back, he should just accept that I won't breastfeed and be ok with it. And I have valid reasons for not breastfeeding too- not just that its gross but I only get 2 weeks maternity leave and my baby will go with me to work, but there's another baby too and I just won't have time to deal with a kid on my boob all day.





He also wasn't happy that I wouldn't wear maternity clothes. I would have worn them had I needed them, but I only gained 8 pounds total throughout my entire pregnancy, so there is no need for maternity clothes, I just wear my normal clothes. But he really wanted me to wear maternity clothes, I never could figure it out.





Well now I'm about done with my pregnancy and he has started disappearing. I guess he technically started back in December, when we moved to Portland from Seattle because my family is here, his is now closer, and he wanted to go to school down here (his work contract ended and he's on the GI Bill). Now that we live down here though, and he's closer to his friends and family, we never see each other. I work during the day 7:30am-3:30pm and he leaves for school usually around 1pm and gets home after 9:30pm. And this is when he comes home, many many times he will go see family or friends (supposedly) and just not come home....for like 3 days at a time. He also doesn't answer his phone during these disappearances. Which, he doesn't have a signal at his families property but isn't that all the more reason to not go considering his wife is about to pop a baby out? He does email me a few times a day but in an emergency I couldn't get ahold of him quickly, and he couldn't get home quickly either.





None of this bothered me as much back in December, I liked having my freedom even, but now that the baby is so close to coming, it bothers me a ton. And he knows it, and he won't stop leaving. Yes, we've talked about it a thousand times and nothing changes.





He's now also mad that I'm considering getting a tubal. I've discussed it with my doctor, and its what I want, but again, its not my goal to make my husband mad. Why would I want to go through pregnancy again though when it hasn't been a great experience even this time around?





So I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be a single parent, but I don't want him keeping up his revolving door routine and coming and going as he pleases either, that's not healthy for a child to see. I also don't want to be the only one caring for the baby. Baby will be with me at work every single day, then when I get off work my husband is at school until like 9:30pm so I will be with the baby then too...alone. I'm going to want a break sometimes.





I'm just not sure how to proceed. I've considered divorcing him. There is another man who would like to raise the baby with me, and honestly is more interested in my pregnancy than my husband anyway. I have not and will not cheat on my husband, but I will leave my husband if that's what I decide. My family thinks he's just immature and scared, but its just not ok. HE was the one who wanted this baby.





Advice? Sorry it was so long.Advice on My Husband Problems?? *LONG!*?
well it kind of sounds like an open and shut case. he pretty much guilted you into having a baby and then when you are just about there (a few months and weeks away from delivery) he decides he doesn't want to participate. that's complete garbage! he should be there for you and he also needs to realize that YOU and the baby are what's most important. you don't get to go out and disappear whenever you want why should he? he should be there supporting you. if he's not and he won't then the choice is obvious..leave.


as for the breastfeeding thing - That is a choice only YOU can make. you don't have to hide it from him - if he doesn't like it who cares? why should he care if you bottlefeed if he can't even be bothered to be there for you now? and as for the tubal if that's what you want and you are sure then do it. who cares what he thinks? yet again he is not the one who has to go through pregnancy and labor and raising the baby - he has left you to do it all on your own without any support so why should he get a say in anything? just because he helped you get pregnant does not mean his job is done. just like you have to be there for EVERYTHING he should be there too.


to me personally it sounds like he is being selfish and unsupportive. if i had to make the choice i would rather leave and either be bymyself (which you practically already are) or leave and be happy with someone who wants me and the baby (unlike the current hubby). that's what i think but only you really know what's best for you.


i do have to say that it seems like you already know what you want. you know that it's not good for baby to be in an environment like the one your husband is creating.Advice on My Husband Problems?? *LONG!*?
I'll probably get tons of thumbs downs for this, but here goes.





YOU should not be married, let alone having a baby. You sound incredibly selfish and childish. Perhaps you should leave your baby with your husband and get yourself a new life, one that doesn't entail being ';tamed down'; and doing gross things like nursing a baby.
If you're not happy with him...make it known. Try marriage counseling. I wouldn't be so quick to divorce...it will only be hard on your child. Sounds like you are already considering another man. Maybe you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. If you're not in love with your husband (which obviously you're not...since you already have another man lined up to raise your baby) do something before the baby is old enough to know what's going on with his mommy and daddy. Whatever you do...don't keep the baby from his father.
Okay, Your hormone's will change when your pregnant. so its okay for that what he needs to realize is that your going to be a mom you don't need to change you life for that. you want to bring your baby up in a good home and make sure the baby is just as comfortable as you are! and for him not to be home u need to take charge and give him options such as! do u want me and the baby or ur friends! who's going be there for u!! if the other guy is willing to help you take charge mama! its okay keep ya head up