Can anybody offer any advice for my marital problems?

I am going through a lot of issues right now and I really don’t have anybody to talk to. I tried counseling and didn’t feel that I was getting anything out of it. I guess I am really seeking the advice of others. Is there anybody out there who is willing to give me some meaningful advice?





Basically, I feel that I am going through a mid-life crisis. I am almost 31 and have been married for almost four years. We got married after four months of dating so we really didn’t get a chance to get to know and love each other the right way. I liked him and he liked me and that’s all that mattered at the time. We have been through some tough times. It started off with his porn addiction that he didn’t bother to disclose prior to marriage, then he cheated on me in 2007. I can honestly say that I am still not over that. He would like me to put that behind me but deep down inside he knows that it still eats me up inside.Can anybody offer any advice for my marital problems?
Let me start off with this simple but very deeply meaningful Words.


Matthew 19:6..Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.





What's going on between you and your husband is not your problem to fix, it's God's problem if you ask Him to help you and fix it for you. If you're taking it as your problem and trying to solve it on ';your own term';, believe me, we will never get anywhere.





Marriage is a testing program that God had set for all of us. He is not asking us to deal with a bunch of people, but just one person.





After reading your statement, I noticed there are a lot of ';I';s.





I too have very strong desire in sex, but my wife is. In the beginning years, of course it was very hard for both of us. A lot of yelling, screaming, and sadness. But deep down in our hearts, we know one thing..divorce is not an option, period!





So, we try to work it out by talking openly and not putting anger in our way. Just calmly to discuss about our issues and acknowledged them. Yes, there was no resolution at time. Because we were trying to resolve it in our own term, mostly from my part.





But after giving deep thought, marriage doesn't build on ';sex';. It builds on ';love';. When you love each other so deeply, sex comes along without inviting or initiating it.





Another key is, honesty/trust. Once trust is broken, it's really hard to undo, but that doesn't mean it's not fixable. There's another remedy to it is..';forgiveness'; and it must be initiated from ourself. If we don't forgive the other, don't ever expect to be forgiven.





And I strongly agree with the others who answered here, please don't try to bring another life into this mess. And again, that's not with our own ability, it's only a blessing from God and He will give you in His own time.





So, just put everything in His hand and let Him deal with all your problems and ask for His comfort. You'll be amazed how things have changed. Just let Him be your guide, counselor, and comforter. Dr. Phil can't do darn about our situation, it's Him does it all.





You might want to consider taking a week vacation with your husband. Go somewhere that you've never been. That might bring some sparks and it's the best time to see your inner part.





Hope you both will find happiness and the true meaning of marriage and life. God bless you.Can anybody offer any advice for my marital problems?
Stop trying to conceive. Now is not the time to try for a baby.
can i answer this after 'Cliff's Notes' version hits the store?
Well talk to him. Have a heart to heart and tell him all that you are stating here. Counseling doesn't necessarily sink in until weeks, months, or even years afterward. I know a married couple that was in much of the same situation as you. He wanted to have more sex than she did. They both wanted to conceive a child and went to counseling. Both of them agreed at the time counseling did nothing for them at the time. A few months later she got pregnant and both of them are on the same page when it comes to sex and how often is enough. Not to mention much like what your dealing with in how he proceeds and initiate when he wants sex. All of that takes time and patience. Answers don't always come as quick as we like them too. Continue the counseling and continue to try. It takes work and time sometimes. That is the best advice I can give any one.
God Bless you and your husband and your marriage.


Keep trying you are the strong one when it comes to things but he is the head of the house. the thing you do you need to let go let your husband do them or they just willnot get done.


I know it hard but you can do it. God put you with this man because of his short coming you add value to your husband.


You will conieve when God see fit girl it get better.


you would be suppose of what i go though in my marriage.


I have been marriage for 8yrs and still have issue and they are worst than your Only take advise from marriage people.


do you have a church family!


GB
I would love to really help you. My heart goes out to you.


You should not try to conceive a baby right now. Your mind is over loaded. You need to destress yourself. Email me if you would like more help.
I doubt you are going through a mid-life crisis at 31 but you sound very sad. You should talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. Guys can't help fix things if they don't know they are broken. Good luck and there are happy days ahead of you but it will take work :)
You sound respossible. You can get a divorce and adopt a baby and raise it all on your own ya know! stop letting his needs and issues drain your being. You will not change him no matter how much you change. He has issues that he needs to figure out in his own. GO FOR IT! Break away from the person causing you pain,You have that control....
first, i know what you are going through because i was in the same situation, i wont give you any advice on here though, if you want, i will tell you my story and how i overcame it, just contact me!
just have a look in doctore phill site for ..the wright answer or if is that bed clear the thinks with ur husband,stay a frends but just move on.tell me honestly DO ULOVE HIM? OR U DONT WANT TO NO ONE ELSE TO HAVE HIM?? IF U CAN ANSWER THIS QUESTION U ARE DONE
Well untill you get your life together you need to put the thought of a baby on the back burner.You may need to find another job that is not mentally and emotionally tirering you out.A baby at this time wouldn't be in the cards for you at this time.You say I think I would be more interested if he’d just let it happen naturally.So your saying if he stops showing you he wants to have sex you will want to have sex.I think you both need to get a way and find the reason you got together in the first place.It sounds to me like you both need to sit down and decided if you both want to even be with one another any more. Email me if you need someone to talk to about this.But as I said you both need to get a way and find the reason you both got together in the first place. good luck and hope life gets better.
Hi, I am going through a very similar situation as you...and I feel like you do...like I have nobody to talk to! so please please please email me so we can talk and try and help each other out! please! princessyvette_2000@yahoo.com
Ok before you guys bring another life into your web of confusion maybe you guys need to decide if you can work it out or not. Him being an only child has nothing to do with him needing constant attention and reassurance. You guys got married without really knowing or understanding each other fully which doesn't automatically destine your relationship to fail but you do have a lot of work to do if you want to make it. You've been together 4 years so far so u must be doing something right. But the 1st key to success in ur marriage is gonna have to be communication. Stop holding in everything and tell him how you feel. Good Luck
This is not the right time to be thinking about a baby. It is quite clear that you and your husband are not compatible. Unless you are willing to change yourself in a major way, I would say that you are wasting your time in this marriage. You don't appear to have any respect at all for your husband (I don't mean this as a criticism). If you only dated him for 4 months and feel like you didn't really know him BEFORE you got married, the fact that you have been married 4 years means you really know him NOW. And it appears that you don't like what you now know. Before you get into the complication of children, this might be the time for serious self-evaluation and decisions regarding how and with whom you want to spend the rst of your life.
You can only control what you are doing and how you are reacting. It sounds to me like you lack self confidence, and that your husband is taking advantage of that fact. Before you can do anything else you need to learn that you are a valuble person, you have something to offer, and your opinions and interests matter.


Once you learn to accept and love yourself you will be more willing to see the relationship in a different light and make the right decision for you.
I would think very seriously about your needs, You sound very stressed and from this not too happy. Think about the relationship. Do you want a better life? Do you want to be happy? Do you still love him? It sounds like it is him that needs to change. Maybe help out some. If he won't do this I would think that maybe you are headed for more sadness and distress. Think about if this is what you want in life. You have only one life. It is you that chooses to be happy. You make yourself happy with ';your'; decisions. If you decide to ask him to change some and this helps and you become happier then good. If he doesnt change then you have to make another decision to be happy. It is your life. You CAN change it. You can be happy. Simply chart your course and decide.
I'm going to give you blunt honesty.





You need to do what you enjoy doing .....period.





You can not make your hsuband change!





You are the only one that can change yourself!





Married people make sacrifices for each other. Both people need to do some giving.





What has your husband done to help you forgive him for his affair? What have you done to help satisfy his high sexual drive?... in addition to his fantasy sexual drive so? Meet that need of his.





It is give and take. What does he do to help you take time to unwind when you get stressed out of your mind?





He needs to grow up and do some ';thinking';... marriage does not mean that suddenly he has a new mom but this one he can screw. lol He needs to ';think';.. but you also need to not yell at him when he does ';think'; and does it wrongly..lol








So many of us women set ourselves up for disaster. .. I'm not saying you did... I'm jsut saying don't be a door mat!!!





Love the man... nurture his needs .. .but it is okay foryou to be a ';person'; and not have the identity of jsut his ';wife';.





ps... Get this figured out before adding a baby into the mix
You were never in love with him. Yeah, you love him, but that's not the same thing. Hell, i love my dog. You made a bad choice/mistake. Now your trying to make the best of it. This is wrong and unfair. He's not going change, because that is who he is. You didn't know this prior to marriage. I would tell you to really think about divorce. Because your heading that way anyway. If your not fullfilling his sexual desires, he will cheat. I also think he is using you in some way. If he wants sex that bad, and know your under alot of stress, then he should try everything to alleviate the stress, so he can get what he wants. He's not doing that. That should tell you something. Either he's incapable of handling or he is comfortable with you doing all the work. Either way, its bad for you. A baby won't help, it will just stress you out more. If he won't step up to the plate now, what makes you think he will when the baby arrives. Cut your losses, and get out now. Tell him you love him, but your not in love. If he doesn't do something/anything about it, you know where you stand, and you know what you gotta do. I hope this helps, and good luck!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I can sense the raw emotions in your words - they're really flowing out!





First of all, let me say that I really empathize. You are obviously dealing with a lot of pent-up frustration and stress, and I'm sure that it's wearing you down. You're right to be addressing these issues head on, and it's admirable that you're ready and willing to tackle them.





Then again, I'm afraid that a ';fix'; to all these problems isn't going to come from advice that a stranger is going to give you on Yahoo! Answers. You and your husband have some obvious trust and intimacy issues, and there seem be some financial concerns, some genetic challenges and some responsibility-sharing disputes, too.





When you mentioned some past counseling, I think you were definitely on the right track. There are a lot of things that seem to be going on here, but it's clear to see that many of those things are ';couple'; issues, and not just ';his'; or ';her'; issues. Any counseling that stands any hope of being successful will need to involve both of you - as active and willing participants. That doesn't mean that individual counseling, and the opportunity to spend time with the therapist alone won't be an important part of the process - it just means that joint counseling, where the two of you can talk and listen to each other (with the help of a counselor) will be a necessary part of the program.





All of these issues can be overcome, but you will have to learn how to rebuild trust, forgive the past, and focus on the future. Scars heal - eventually - but they leave a weakness that can easily be re-injured. Part of the process of getting over the old wounds is learning how to prevent them from being reopened.





While marrying early and quickly presents problems, these are certainly things that can be overcome. Obviously both parties have to be approaching the problems with the same dedication and motivation to see them resolved. One of the most difficult parts of any relationship is the ability to accommodate the physical and emotional needs of the ';other'; person. Frankly, we're programmed to think of ourselves first, though it's equally problematic when one person in a relationship allows him/herself to become the ';victim'; - always putting aside their needs and happiness to satisfy the other.





I would strongly advise that you and your husband investigate and pursue further JOINT counseling - if he refuses, then you should pursue it on your own, but accept that those circumstances would have you working on your own issues, and probably wouldn't be contributing much to promoting the long-term stability of your marriage. When you think about counseling, you have to keep in mind that counselors vary quite a bit in their ability, and even the best counselors may or may not relate to you (personally!) in a manner that works for you. If your time with a counselor leaves you frustrated and feeling that you're not talking about the things that you want to talk about - or that his/her advice isn't really ';working'; for you - don't think twice about trying another counselor. If they're truly devoted to helping other people and seeing them happy (as opposed to depositing fees in the bank), they'll understand, and even recommend other counselors in the area.





Best of luck to you - you really do need to talk these things out. But most of all, you need to develop some effective strategies that are going to alleviate the stress and the heartache that you're feeling right now. I hope this helped, if only a little.
WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU WANT TO BRING A BABY INTO THIS SITUATION?????


My goodness. You have an immature husband, and you want to complicate your lives with a baby?


The first advice I would give you, is don't. (Have a baby.)


You are with a guy who's addicted to porn, cheats on you, and can't handle paying the bills, or cooking a meal.


Is that who you want around you when your head is over the toilet while you have morning sickness, or who would probably be off with a ';girlfriend'; while you are in labor? Because once you start gaining weight with pregnancy, you won't be attractive to this guy. (Not all guys are like that, though).


I can hardly believe this question. You are already overworked at work, you're overworked at home, and neither of you are handling your life well, right now.


Please don't get pregnant and give a child this mommy and daddy.


I can't believe this question! %26gt;:K
At your age, you are still far from experiencing the mid-life crisis.The chronology of events as you have mentioned started when your husband cheated on you in 2007. And since then the stigma of what he has done is still not totally healed. You must make a conscious efforts in forgiving him of his wrongdoing and try to move on completely erasing from your mental processing unit that painful episode. The work related stress are normal but you must get over it once you are in the domain of your home. You must left in the office the chores that are to be done and never bring any work load in the house. The idea of having your first baby is by far the most exciting that you must focus and make it happen. If the frequency of your sexual activities are a little bit compromised for your busy schedule, you need to relax and remember that your priority is to have your first born. Your marriage is intact and it's working just fine. Never lose sights of your personal motivation in starting out this relationship. The satisfaction of experiencing the passion of sexual activity that made both of enjoyed to the fullest must always rekindled the ember of love that continue the journey of your marriage.I may be out of tune if I urge you to seek divine intervention in helping you for where you are right now. But try it....it works!
You made the choice to stay with this guy after he broke your heart and cheated on you all I can say to you that has helped me through some tough time in my own marriage is.





FIND GOD AND START PRAYING DAILY GET TO CHURCH OR EVEN FIND A PASTOR THAT WOULD BE WILLING TO PRAY FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND.





I have found in my over 8yrs of marriage that prayer and faith and just having hope as always brought me a great deal of strength and wisdom to work things out.





You way too young to be going through a mid-life crisis if anything I would say your having depression issues and should talk to your Dr. about medications possibilities.





I has been proved that woman remember and hold onto past conflicts longer then men where men want to carry-on and forget about the past woman love to dwell on it for a long time.





Needless to say if you do not trust your man anymore and do not feel like you could ever trust him again then the only alternative may be divorce. If this is the case do not blame yourself he was the one that destroyed the feelings you had for him when he cheated on you.





I hope this helps sometimes the most practical ideas are the ones that work.





God is the most powerful force in our lives use it to overcome this pain and sorrow and just maybe bring back the spark and joy in your marriage.





May God Bless You and Best Wishes.
Hi Dear, I think you have a lot on your plate. It will take time but since you are determined, i think you will succeed. You will have to have his cooperation. To start with, you will have to lighten your load. You are doing too much and since you worry, that is not good. Would I be right in assuming that you you have taken over some of the chores? You do not have to take care of the bills, cook, clean, and all the other house chores. Since that is too much, you will need his help. I hope you are not the type who takes on the job and then complain when it is overwhelming. You will have to have a open heart to heart talk so you 2 work out your roles to keep the marriage running smooth. When you do, PLEASE discuss the problems and not the individual (';I think we should share the work load at home'; works better than ';You should start doing some of the work at home';). Explain to him how you feel (';I am not a touchy feely person so I get uncomfortable when someone touches me every few mins';) A statment like this focuses on the problem and not him and he will be more likely to take note. You should also listen to him to know what he expects and thenyou two can work out something that will carry you thru this rough patch into greener pastures. This could take a couple of sessions before you start seeing things clearly. You will have ot work on his porn habit, not a good thing. It only distorts sex in marriage. And start thinking more of sex ( you will have to lighten your load to do that). If you need more amandas@email.com.
My dear friend, you solved half of your problem already and just didn't know it.


Worry has some detrimental effects on the human psyche. As Dr. Wayne Dyer put it, it is an exercise in futility and no amount of worry can ever help to change the past or the future. Given at your latest update to your question, sometimes you may be consumed so much of worry that you tend to forget how to live in the present and simply enjoy it.


Moreover, being tired and stressed all the time has the natural tendency to decrease one's sex drives or urges leading to impotency or frigidity to both sexes. Boredom from the same routine can also lead to depression though mistakenly and therefore loss of appetite for sex. So this would negate your feeling of mid-life crisis aside from the fact that you are still young. As far as I know, mid-life crisis usually manifests on individuals with age bracket of 40-50 years old and has a history of things that were never done at an early age, sort of ';what if'; questions that plagues their consciousness.


By the same token, feelings of guilt can also be a factor to your problem. Do you have feelings of guilt because of what your partner did to you? Or is it because you can't seem to satisfy him in a way that you cannot be somebody else that you're not? Sex is also a form of communication. One of the best communication to us talking, intellectual and superior form of animal because we can communicate exactly what we feel; things that cannot be spoken or things that would take forever to put into words. For instance, a 30 seconds touch can communicate 5 minutes of verbal communication.


Moreover, there is no such thing as ';loving each other the right way';. Marriage, or a relationship, needs a lot of working and sorting. But the biggest ingredient to its success is learning to adjust, accept and to live with one another's differences. Of course, if all things fail, then that is the time to let go.


Why don't you try to have a little space to reflect on the things that you really like? In this way, you can find what you really want and won't have a hard time accepting yourself for who you are. Just be yourself. I'm pretty sure your husband would appreciate that and he will understand if this is really how you react during your intimacy. Don't try to force things. Let it all come naturally.


Also, continue your counseling sessions together with your husband because that is where you can find the most sound advise of them all. No effort is ever wasted. So if you think during your first few sessions of your counseling doesn't seem to work just stick with the regimen because you will find later on that most of the things your counselor is teaching you is already catching on to your subconscious. Feel free to email me as soon as things get better (or not). Please do take care.
I'm sure this has already been said but I think you should take some you time and not worry about having a baby right now. I know that's hard to deal with because I'm going through the same thing right now, wanting to have a baby and still struggling with some things that happened between my hubby and I when we first got married. I've decided (just recently) that I need to get to where I need to be before we can have a baby. I grew up in a family of eleven children, so I REALLY want a baby, but there are just times when even though you want something, you need to take care of something else first. It sounds like you need to find a way to take some me time. I've found that it helps me to tell my hubby that if he wants something, then I really do need help all the time. He's really great about doing dishes and laundry now cause he always gets some lovin' after. Mostly because I don't feel quite so emotionally or physically drained. Don't bring a baby in right now, not because you couldn't handle it or because your hubby couldn't, but because it sounds like you should give yourself some time. Your hubby requires a lot of time and energy (mine does too...it was kinda funny reading your post, I could have sworn you took a peek into my life!) and you need to find one girlfriend that you have and go out with her once a month. Or go on a double date. I find that when I take time for me (and my hubby is starting to realize this!) then I feel more in the mood to help him be satisfied. I feel more loving, I feel more inclined to do stuff for him because I'm taken care of too. Just a suggestion. Good luck and email me if you really need somebody to talk to. I don't know that I give very good advice, but I'm always willing to listen!
Before you bring a baby in this world, you both need to iron out issues which are not going to be better, by sweeping them under the carpet.


1) First of all the affair is something that you need to deal before you even more on to other things. Do you have a support group or someone outside of your life you can talk too. Trust me been there and end up in divorce but not everyone is me. And infact I am seeking help to this day to try and deal with the issue so it does not effect my future.


2) Have you tried expressing this to your husband now you feel, communication is the key in any relationship.


3) Maybe book a weekend away just the two of you.


This way there is no houseclean or anyone to interrupt with


your time along.


Good luck